CHERYL

i have always wanted to blog about my opinion on love & guys, but i've never had enough courage to do so because i feel that i will be judged for writing all of these. but i told myself, i blog to express and not to impress. so today, i'm just gonna share about MY opinions on love and guys.
[p.s this blog post is carried forward because i have some free time to blog now]

you may judge me all you want.

LOVE, a simple word isn't it?
well not exactly so.

it might sound simple, its just a four letter word anyway. but is it really as easy as it sounds?

love, is something i'll never be able to fully comprehend.

one of my biggest insecurities in life: love, guys and relationships.
i don't know if its just me or everyone is like that, but i've trust issues when it comes to guys and relationships.
not because i've suffered from any family issues when i was younger ( i have a very close family bonding btw, in case you misunderstand ) - but because as i grew older i began to realise how fragile 'trust' is and how easy relationships can be broken.
in fact, i've almost zero confidence or trust in guys/relationships.
not because i'm against them but its just a personal thing/emotional issue i have.

my mum often tells me about her friends, and she told me that some of them (newly-weds) have already started to say "i really regret marrying him." or 'i could find a better guy.' even though they barely settled down.

like seriously?

what for get married if you are gonna regret?
and then they will say "if i have known he/she was like this, i wouldn't have gotten myself into a relationship or marriage with her/him."
'if i have known'..............................
yeah right.
no one knows what the future holds for them, so cut all the crap and don't try to act like god.

well of course, if you have known..................
would you even love anyone?

& the thing is, look at how relationships can be easily broken.
when you see everyone on instagram or twitter...... "happy 2months baby" "happy 6 months darling" "happy 18 months my fav girl"................................then boom, social status: single.

its funny how many people celebrate their monthsaries, and then within few months........they are single all over again.

the longest relationship among the people i know of that are of the same/almost the same age as me.............3 years.

isn't it sad?

you make an effort to keep someone next to you for such a long time, to only find out that this person just becomes a part of your memory........and then,

the end.

& the worst part is, some couples begin to call each other names after they break up...............like really?
'bitch' 'bastard' 'slut' 'whore' 'cunt'...........what happened to your 'baby' or 'sweetheart'?

i understand that in certain cases one party would cheat on the other, thats why the other party (which is the victim being cheated on) starts to hate or dislike her/him. well of course its absolutely fine to get angry and curse at them, but have you realised that there is also no point in doing so?

and then people claim "we'll be together forever". HELLO, forever don't exist.
there's no such thing as forever, death brings people apart no matter who you are and how close your relationship is.

& i can never fathom why people actually bother to do a tattoo of the names of their girlfriends/boyfriends.........are you even sure your relationship can last till the end?

well of course SOME relationship lasts, that's why some couples are able to go through marriage, have their own children and then grandchildren.....till death tears them apart.

but the fact that how relationships are so easily broken scares me.

a lot, in fact.

i know i'm only fifteen & i shouldn't think so much about all these because i'm "not mature enough to understand"
alright, whatever you say.......i'm just sharing about how i feel.

you don't have to understand me or try to if you can't, because sometimes i can't even understand myself.

my relationship status actually explains it all. HAHAHA.

well some of you might know but i've never had a first love. like dating and all of these stuffs..............go ahead and laugh at me if you want but the fact that i am 'single' doesn't bother me much.

& of course i know how it feels like to like someone & falling in love with them. falling in love with them = same thing as falling in love with chocolates. hahaha kidding.

to be honest, i really hate liking someone.
sometimes, i really wish i couldn't feel.
liking someone is really a pain in the ass sometimes......especially when you don't know whether the other party likes you back.

over the years i've learnt how it feels like to be in love and how you should feel when you like someone.

& of course i've also learnt how to let go of things that aren't meant for me.

please don't get it wrong when i say i have zero trust in guys & relationships it means that i'm against them.
of course not, i'm fine with it. i've been through relationships and things like that so i know very well how it feels like.
i'm merely expressing my own views.....

but when i like someone, i try my best to get rid of the feeling.
it's not easy of course.

in fact, its tough.

and that is why i rather not feel at all than to be able to, because i can never control them.

when i like someone i try to picture us together, and imagine how it would be like if we were together.
and then i'll start questioning myself,
"am i able to gain happiness as well as giving him happiness?"
am i able to:
overcome my insecurities, get over my fears, start trusting relationships, or last together with him?

will there even be a future for us?

and of course there is no point in getting into a relationship if you don't see the future in him/her.

what if........
we break up?

.....will this strain our friendship too?

thats why we shouldn't even start.......

( lol, i guess no one will ever like me because i'm so insecure about everything.
its okay, i knew no one would anyway. )

& one thing i'm insecure about people (in general) are the fact that they might leave.

some people might choose to stay, but most of them chooses to leave............

still, i'm very grateful for everyone who stayed with me till today.

& people start leaving because they get bored and tired of you.
and thats another reason why i don't trust guys that much, because i'm afraid that they might get bored of me one day and leave.
{disclaimer: not discriminating guys in any way, i'm just saying 'guys' because i'm a girl}
& the thing is, there are so many better girls out there, so that actually gives them more reasons to leave.

sometimes i ask myself,
will he suddenly feel that im annoying?
will he feel that im ugly when he looks at other girls?
will he get bored and leave?
will he think that i'm crazy for having so many insecurities?
will he distance himself from me?
will he find better girls?
will he..................................(the list goes on)

my fears are actually eating me up and guarding myself up against everyone.

my fears scare me more than anything else.

people might distance themselves from me but i might distance myself further away from myself more than them.

when fears actually consume you.............that's it.

no wonder some people say,
"monsters don't live under your beds, they live inside your heads."

all these insecurities, will i be able to overcome all of them?

but -
i do hope that someday i'll find someone who is able to accept me for who i am & make me overcome all my fears.

and for whoever reading this and also feeling the same way,
i also wish you all the best in everything you do.

xoxo,
cheryl

(p.s im back from japan today, and idk whether to blog about it, so if you want me to please let me know)

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