CHERYL

why do i find it so hard to be happy?

honestly feeling so tired of living this way.
woke up feeling a lil inspired to make the best out of today, but all my plans backfired so i ended up sleeping my afternoon away. i absolutely hate it when i waste my weekends away like that, but i was so irritated with everything since my plans were ruined so i just decided to sleep it off.
woke up feeling worse, but i managed to shrug it off and went out to shop alone for a little while. wanted to get some clothes for myself since it has been a pretty long time since i bought any, but the clothes were all unappealing so i didn't get any. wanted to get some sushi, pizzas or ben&jerry ice cream to make myself a lil better, but i didn't have the appetite to eat.
such a wasteful weekend and right now, i just want my appetite to come back and eat, at least eating makes me happy.

to be honest, i feel like i'm slipping into depression. i haven't felt genuinely happy for the longest time ever. i fret over small things & find it so difficult to carry on with a smile.
& nobody cares, nor do i.
i want to give up on myself, yet at the same time, i'm afraid of giving in to depression. i want to completely sink, but i'm afraid of sinking forever.

i don't know. i want to push harder, but i want to give up even more.

why am i even typing this, its not like anyone's going to read this before i delete it.

they say "its just one of those days" but i don't think it's just "one" anymore. more like everyday.

i just miss being happy.

And it’s finally Mother’s Day, 
so HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world!
Happy Mother’s Day sister! (Calling you ‘sister’ would make you feel younger right? Right.) (Actually no, that would make me sound so old, so no.)
Dedicating to you my mother’s day note here on my blog because i don’t wanna write it out in a card, reason wise:
1. I’ve no time because i’m studying for my exams (look at how hardworking your daughter is!)
2. You’d probably throw my card to neverland after reading it
3. I’ve never dedicated a post to you in my blog

4. I don’t know when you would be reading this, so *surprise*

Anyway, i just want to thank you for everything you've done for us, for me and for the entire family. I'd say "there's no way i can ever pay you back for all you've done" but no i'm not going to say that because i'm very sure that i'm going to make sure that you live well with me in the future. 
Gonna work my ass off and get a doctor's cert and let you live in bliss forever. Yay, sounds great right? Yup, it's a plan. PLAN = A STEP TO GOAL!

Just wait and see, your daughter will succeed. 

(well, if she stops dreaming)

Thanks for putting up with my nonsense for the past 16 years of your life ever since i was born and putting up with my bad temper everyday. Well honestly, i'm not good in expressing and i'm so tempted to be sarcastic with all my words but since it's mother's day, i shall not. :) 

I know these past few years have been tough on you, but i just want you to know that you're the strongest woman in my life. You've overcome many things in life & you're just so so so strong. I hope you'll remain that way, but don't keep everything to yourself. You can confide in your daughter y'know, she's a damn good listener (i'm serious)! Whatever it is, i know life have been taking a toll on you & you've been struggling to balance with the weight of the world (our burdens) on your shoulders all this time, but rest assured, because your "big girl" is going to grow up soon and share those burdens with you.

Alright, you just need to know that i'm FINE and i know what i'm doing 100% of the time, so you don't have to constantly worry for me (worry for your son and younger daughter instead!).

All in all, Happy Mother's Day to the most fabulous and amazing mother in this world, i'd never trade you for anything else even if you go bankrupt, old and unwanted (We want you!)

Happy mother's day.

I love you.

{random thought at 8am in the morning}

" You have to start over. That's what they say. But life is not a board game, and losing a loved one is never really "starting over. More like "continuing without"."

- The first phone call from heaven // Mitch Albom 

Well, i guess it's true. Losing a loved one is never really starting over. It isn't the end of your world or your life, maybe just not yet.

You don't start over. You move on.



Everything happens for a reason - it's cliche, but we all know its true.
No matter how much we blame everything on others and on ourselves, you just need to believe that things that are meant to be, are meant to be.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe in lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.” - Marilyn Monroe

If you think that you're the only one suffering, you need to know that you're not alone.

God took away the people i loved the most. The people whom i haven't spend enough time with, the people i want to spend my life with & the people whom i never want to lose in my life.

I used to blame everything on God and myself. I never stopped asking myself, "Why is life so cruel? Why did you take him away? Why not me?"

I prayed so hard that God would trade my life with the people i loved.

I didn't care about losing myself just for them. I didn't need to live. I could just let them live. I thought, at least i'm not as important as them in the eyes of others.

Eventually, I started to believe that God takes away the good people.
The kind ones.

I believed in many things. Maybe i just needed excuses to let myself believe that life isn't that cruel. All i needed was to tell myself that things go wrong for a reason.

Moving on isn't easy. It takes time. It might take months, or maybe even a few years to let go.

They say time heals everything. I don't know if it's true, but i believe that you just get used to certain things.

If you think that it's impossible to move on, then you are wrong.

Because i'm moving on. And you should too.

I know it's hard to move on when the memories doesn't stop haunting you. And sometimes, you might feel that you're selfish for letting go & moving on - but that's not true. It's moving on, not forgetting. You don't have to forget about someone just to move on.

Sometimes, people come into our lives just to teach us a lesson.

You'd start to realise things you didn't before, you start to believe in things you didn't before, you start to forgive people you said you never would, and you start to love someone more than you could. 

You just learn how to be stronger each time you fall.

“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.” - Nicholas Sparks

Believe.

You'll get back all right.

i've gotten to a point where i can't seem to trust anymore. i can't trust anyone or anything. people just keep turning their backs on me & i'm honestly so so so tired of this.
this is probably not the worst yet, because i believe that if people continue to destroy my trust in them, it's going to take me a long time before i can finally trust again. i don't know how long it will take, maybe just not too soon, and maybe it will never come back again.
i don't know why people love to step over my life & destroy the trust i have for them. maybe it's my fault, i don't know. if they could come into my life, then it's only because i opened my door for them. maybe it's really my fault for letting people in, even while knowing that i shouldn't.
maybe i shouldn't even open my door to anyone else. maybe i should just pretend to be cold and heartless.

because the best way to not get your heart broken, is to pretend that you don't have one.

if you have read my previous post, the one about my insecurities, you would know that i'm an insecure mess. i can't seem to trust anyone.
i find it hard to trust anyone. completely.
but maybe, everyone finds it hard too. because sometimes no matter how much you trust someone, there will be something that you're keeping away from them.
i don't know how long this is going to heal. it took me four years before i finally began to trust people again, so i don't know how many more years i have to wait before healing again. and my insecurities were sort of a 'build-up process' because i started being insecure few years ago, and it has gotten a lot worse today.

maybe it's just puberty.
maybe it's just something everyone has to get through in life.
or maybe it's just me.

what am i supposed to do?

do you know how it feels like when your trust in someone gets destroyed?

when you give someone your trust,
it's like giving someone a piece of precious paper hoping that they would take good care of it.
your trust, is that paper.
you spend almost half of your life getting bits and pieces of paper, trying to stick them together so that you can make it complete.
you try so hard gathering these pieces of paper & just when you finally give it to someone thinking that they will take good care of it,
sometimes, they would just,
crumple it.

the years you took to complete that piece of paper, the years you took to took to build that trust, the years you spend trying to protect it - is gone.

and trust, is like paper. when it gets crumpled, it can never be the same again.

but,

its okay, i'll pick this piece of paper up again & try to straighten it again. i'll try ways to straighten it so that it will look the same again. or maybe i should just, spend time to look for pieces of paper again so that i can complete a new one. maybe this person is just the wrong one. i should have known from the start. but it's okay, maybe others aren't like him. maybe there will be better people out there. maybe he's just another asshole. but it's okay, i should move on and find better ones out there.
maybe it will get better, and yes, i believe it will.

you tell yourself that.
you tell yourself, its okay.

it's okay to get your heart broken. it's okay, maybe it's just a part and parcel of life.
it's okay, it's time to move on.

and you move on.

and then you meet someone.
and you think it's okay to trust him.
you think it's okay to give him the trust because he's worth it.
you think he's better than the first one.
you think he's not going to break your heart.
you think he's different.

but he isn't.
he crumples this piece of paper.

& so, the same thing happened again.

your trust was destroyed.

"but it's okay" - you tell yourself that.

and you move on.

and this time, you meet another person.
he's different - this time.
you know it, you feel it. he proves to you how much he cares and loves you. he treats you like a princess.
you think you're in love. you think you finally are. you think you finally trusted the right person.

but one day, you see him with another girl. you see him do things for her just like the same things he would do for you. he would spin her around and dance with her when they are alone. he would look at her the same way he looked at you.

you can't take this anymore.
this time round, he didn't crumple the paper.
but instead, he tore it.

you stand there watching both of them laughing and cuddling, and you thought of that piece of paper.

torn, and lying on the floor.
dirty, and getting stepped on.
unwanted, and being left there.
alone, without anyone picking it up.

this is it, you tell yourself.

perhaps i shouldn't let anyone into my life. so this is what happens. everytime. i'm so tired of this. perhaps i shouldn't even care. i shouldn't even try. i shouldn't even love. love is bullshit, i can't take this. i shouldn't even make an effort to pick up pieces of paper & giving it to someone & hoping that they are going to treasure it.
they aren't. they aren't worth my time. i'm tired of this, let me go.

you tell yourself that.

and so, you begin to lose trust in everyone. everything. you give up. you give up trying. you don't open your door to anyone anymore. you keep your guards up. you don't let anyone enter. and even if you did, you try your best to not trust them. you tell yourself that they are going to be jerks.

this is why. this is the reason why i find it difficult to trust anyone else, even though i didn't want to trust anyone from the start. but i still did, i thought they would be different but they proved me wrong.

they proved me otherwise.

they taught me to keep my guards up,
and not trust anyone.

i'm sorry if this post happened to ruin your mood for the entire day. but if it already did, then please read on because i'm going to say something else.

even though if this seems relatable or the same thing happened to you before, or you feel the same way as i do,

i'm sorry.

you definitely don't deserve all of this shit. you don't deserve this unhappiness. it's different for me because i don't deserve happiness. but you aren't me. you are different from me, so you deserve it. you deserve someone who would treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

to whoever reading this now,

one day, i hope you'll find someone who is going to treat you right. he's going to sweep you off your feet and make you feel like you're the luckiest girl on earth. he's going to try all sorts of ways just to make you happy. he will tell you jokes just to make you smile. he would wait for you outside of your house with food if you tell him you're hungry. he would appear at your doorstep with flowers on your anniversary. he would make flower rings for you and put them on your finger for you. he would hold your hands at the park while you're taking a morning walk. he would pick a flower for you and give it to you. he would make you sit on the bench while he kneels down and look at you in your eyes. he would tell you that you're beautiful and he loves you for who you are. and by then, you're going to feel like you're in love.
he spins you around and dance with you at home. he sings to you your favourite songs. he gives you a hug from behind while you're doing the dishes. he gives you a peck on your cheek when you're studying. he calls you at night just to hear your voice. he buys cake and balloons on your birthday and walks to your house with them even while knowing that people is going to stare and judge him. he picks a dress and a pair of heels for you and gives them to you so that you can wear them out for dinner. he's going to cuddle you when you say you're cold. he's going to hold your hands and see the stars with you at night while you lie on his chest. he constantly reminds you how beautiful you are.

you're going to meet this guy soon. perhaps not so fast, but soon. he is going to make you feel like you're the luckiest girl on earth, and he's going to make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else.

and by that time comes, do remember that i'll be happy for you. do remember to stay that happy for the rest of your life.
and if you have already found the right person, congratulations. i hope he's able to make you feel that way. i hope he's the right one for you.

things may not be clear for now, just like how it is for me, but all of us gotta believe that things are going to be better.

just like what they say,

all good things come to those who wait for it.

stay strong.

xoxo,
cheryl

{ you showed me something that i couldn't see.
you opened my eyes and you made me believe. }