CHERYL

Hey guys! How long has it been? Not sure if anyone still reads this blog but I'm just popping in with my 2019 blog post.

::

Here's to the end of another decade.

And so here I am, writing my slightly overdue cliche-end-of-the-year-reflections. I'm not one who's into cliché stuff and the only reason why I'm doing this is because, well I feel like I want to. To celebrate the good and bad, move on from the bad and of course, be able to look back on this one day (most likely checking in on the last day of the new year) and see how different this new year would be. I spent New Year's Eve lying on my bed alone watching Netflix last night. No frills, no party, no gatherings, no celebrations. Yet it was refreshing, and rejuvenating even. The new year means nothing to me, and it's just another day on the calendar. But it always reminds me to take some time off to review my life - to reflect, bid goodbye to the past, and to welcome the new.

I wonder if this would sound weird but in some sense I feel like I can't recall some (or most) of the things that happened this year, especially the in-betweens. So pardon me if this whole post sounds anomalous, I'm trying my best to recall. *nervous laughter*

2019. I'd like to think that it has been a good run, to say the least. I think most of my vision has been blurred out because I've spent the last two months just having the best time of the year. It feels like I'm drunk and have been, but it's a good kind of high I must admit - living a real life without Uni, chilling around with friends, eating copious amounts of food, road tripping, vlogging, graduating, having my family over in Tassie with me, and so much more. (And no, I still don't drink.) The last two months of the year was unexpectedly good, and on some days it all still feels like a dream - especially the week when my family was here. They made me feel like I was at home again, even when our home was more than four thousand miles away. It felt surreal having them here because I've spent almost four years here by myself, only seeing them when I'm back home during school breaks; which happens only twice a year. Plus, it was the first time seeing them again after nine whole months!

Then again, all these don't overwrite all the downs I've had this year. There were plenty of them. In fact, I went through one of the lowest points in my life. I lost, failed, fell, hurt and cried way too many times. I guess I could say it was one of the toughest years I've had, but it was also one of the best years at the same time. I suppose there isn't really such a thing like the "best year" or a good one because good and bad things are bound to happen within a given period, and so I've learned to accept every year as it comes.

In 2019, I:

• Celebrated my first Valentines (or should I say, first proper celebration hahaha).
• Watched More Than Blue (aka 比悲伤更悲伤的故事) in the cinema and cried buckets of tears.
• Brought a lost puppy home for the first time, and regretted it (because he peed and shitted all over in my balcony and I had to clean it up the next morning, drunk on only 3 hours of sleep).
• Lost my closest and dearest grandpa.
• Hit the gym consistently, and later on joined F45 for a couple of months.
• Started running again for a short period of time (and clocking in long distance for the first time in my life! Ran my first 10K on the treadmill, and it was an accomplishment because I've always hated running.)
• Started taking care of my health and loving myself more.
• Learned Japanese (I had to because it was an elective, but I didn't enjoy learning it..)
• Had a first friend-trip to Sydney in June! It was my second visit in Sydney.
• Had my first internship at S. Group, and I loved the company! Learned heaps too.
• Broke up with someone I loved.
• Started journaling as a means to cope and destress, and it did help me for a while.
• Joined my first and last ever architecture competition in school.
• Did my first ever portfolio in my life. I had so much fun designing it and putting all my past works/projects together in a book.
• FINALLY GRADUATED FROM UNI!
• Made more friends and got close to some.
• ATE a lot. Oops.

Now, to the highlights and my favourite moments of the year:

• A date at P.S cafe and iLight at Marina Bay
• Joining F45! Made friends with the trainers, and I loved all the classes.
• Visiting more places in Sydney! The best food I've had in Sydney was the acai bowl at Hale and Hearty.
• Uni graduation! God knows how long I've waited for this.
• Family's visit to Tasmania. A trip I'll always remember.
• All the times I spent with my family and my friends. Facetime calls y'all.
• Meeting new people, and forging new friendships. All the h2h sessions I've had with my friends, and all the impromptu road trips and fun nights we shared.

And things I am grateful for:

• All the good food and coffee I've had this year. Be it cafe brunches, or trying out new restaurants. Favourite restaurant in Launnie would be Rupert and Hound!
• Sweetbrew's citrusy, lemony pancakes. (I know Cuccina's pancakes made it to the list in 2018, thus it will be different this year.)
• Books. I think I bought the most number of books this year, even though I barely had the time to read them. The White Book, The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down and The Lover's Dictionary would make it to the top list this year.
• Voice of China 2019. So happy with the new team of judges in the new season, although I feel like I enjoyed 2018's batch of singers/contestants more.
• Freaking NETFLIX, and dramas. 2019 was probably the year that I watched the most number of dramas - I think I watched a total of more than 20 dramas. Perhaps even 30. I loved most of it, and my favourites would definitely be: The Last Empress, Romance is a bonus book, Vagabond, One Spring Night, Eternal Love, Doctor John and The Light In Your Eyes. Of course there were a lot more good ones but I think those I have listed are the ones I enjoyed most. I also loved the series YOU and also the variety show Busted on Netflix (Thanks to Busted, I laughed so much more.)
• Youtube. I always like to switch between Youtube and Netflix when I want to watch something on my iMac because I'm THAT easily bored. Hahaha. Favourite Youtubers would be Michelle Choi and Zoenotzoey.
• Poetry. Words that get to me almost all the time.
• My newest Canon camera, gifted by lé dearest brother. It captured some of my favourite moments and memories in 2019, and because of it I started to vlog more.
• Oatmeal. Oatmeal. Oatmeal. I've said this countless of times on my ryleats account and Dayre, but I've been so obsessed with oatmeal ever since I started eating it for breakfast more than a year ago. I don't think anyone would be able to understand how much joy it brings me - I literally go to bed dreaming about having a bowl of it for breakfast the next morning, and it's one thing that gets me out of bed every day. As they always say..."Do something that makes you jump out of bed every morning." It's legit, oatmeal is that something.
• Facebook memes that make me laugh all the damn time.
• Spotify, duh because MUSIC. According to Spotify (2019), My top songs of the year are: No matter what, Best Part of me, and Burning. Apparently I spent 90 hours with Sam Smith on Spotify, cool shit. I absolutely love him though, he's literally a queen.
• Summer. Long gone are the days of layering and worrying that I'd freeze my ass off without my sweaters.
• Forging new friendships. I wouldn't have ever talked to some of them if not for this year's summer break.
• My family, of course. For always being my greatest pillar of strength and support, despite being miles away. They will always be my everything.

I never really made a list of 2019 resolutions but I thought about it here and there - and I think I've achieved most of the goals I've set for myself, and perhaps even did better than expected for some. In 2019, I wanted to:

1. Gym regularly (3-4 times/week) and finally be able to do a proper pull-up.
2. Cook at home more (eat out max. 3-4 times a week).
3. Eat healthier.
4. Incorporate more HIIT/circuits into workouts.
5. Try doing yoga/meditation.
6. Practice waking up + sleeping early.
7. Take better care of my skin.
8. Save up more money.
9. Learn new languages (Japanese/French).
10. Read more books.
11. Do well in school and graduate.

In the end, I haven't trained hard enough to be able to do a proper pull-up (ooops, but it isn't really that important to me right now). But I did cook at home a lot more and avoided eating out most of the time (except in the last two months!). I also managed to do more HIIT workouts since I joined F45, and did try doing yoga which improved my sleep for a period of time. I also started to go to bed and wake up early (during my semester, I sleep at 10:30-11pm and wake up at 7am every morning) and it was probably the best feeling ever! I didn't manage to read more books or save more money so I'll try harder in 2020. And of course I managed to graduate in the end, and I'm glad that my efforts in school paid off because I also managed to pull up my GPA in my final year (and also the fact that I barely missed any lectures in school this year).

::

Many things happened in 2019. Many firsts, which I guess was pretty predictable (because life is always about experiencing new things amirite?!). Many bumpy roads and hiccups too, and I was forced to accept and cope with many things that came with grief. Grief accompanied me throughout the year as I picked up myself from the losses, and kept me awake on many lonely nights - but because of it, I learned how to cope and move on with life despite all the struggles. I also finally learned how to accept and love myself more, by having a healthier diet and lifestyle (I was pretty damn active, working out at 4-5 times a day consistently for weeks and even months). I had a lot more time for myself since I lived alone, and even more so after my LDR ended. So I took all the time I had and invested it in myself - to do things that I love, to treat my body better, cook good food, watch more dramas, take photos and did whatever I wanted. Because I learned how to love myself more, I stopped settling for anything less than I deserved, stood up for myself more, and learned how to not tolerate bullshit from some people. I also prioritised my studies, worked my ass off for my assignments, and did decently well in school. I guess I could say that I spent most of the year looking forward to my graduation, because after all I've already been in Uni for 4 years. 

I'd like to think that 2019 treated me pretty well, and one thing I know for sure is that the year will always have a special place in my heart (and life) because graduating from Uni marks the end of another significant chapter in my life. 2018 was a year of growth, change and learning. 2019 too, was a year of growth and learning - and also a year of acceptance & understanding self-love perhaps? I think I learned many valuable lessons this year, and I'm grateful for them. I wonder what 2020 has in store for me, but I can't say that I'm not excited to see where life will bring me to next.

Would it be a good year?

I guess we'll see.

As I write this, at this exact moment, I'm sitting on a chair in my small apartment and listening to my favourite songs from my playlist "Recent Faves" on Spotify, watching the trees dance in a distance and the autumn leaves fall. The sky is gloomy, and it looks like it's about to rain. I can hear the wind attacking the windows behind me and it's making quite a ruckus. It's the first time it's not sunny in the whole week. Though I enjoy the sun a lot, I do enjoy weather like this sometimes.

With no agenda to check any boxes off my "to-do" list today, it's pretty apparent that I had nothing planned the whole of today, and it's going exactly the way how I wanted it to be. Slow, gentle, peaceful..and some quiet alone time. It's a great way to spend a Sunday, especially the last one before the start of another race in University. My, my, today marks the end of easter break. Time sure flies.

I'm supposed to have my "holiday mood" switched off but somehow, I can only look forward to more holidays and more time to make beautiful breakfast or have the luxury to eat a good breakfast in a café, sipping on my cup of soy latte and watching passers-by pass, hearing the cracking coarse sound made by the coffee machine as the barista does his work on it.

At this exact moment, I'm also thinking of the track my life is on at the moment and I'm wondering if I'm enjoying this phase in life, and whether or not I'm happy and contented with where I am now. Still stuck in my second year in University, I guess I've not much to look forward to, except graduating and landing myself with a job. As much as I hate University sometimes, I can't deny the fact that I'm actually not looking forward to the end of it because...I'm so not fond of being a full-time working adult yet.

At the age of 20 (or should I say, 19 years and 10 months), I still feel like life has passed so quickly for me, so quick that I've yet to experience what it would feel like as a normal teenager. You know, the phase in life where I'm supposed to "have fun" and "play hard" while I can. I think time passed especially fast ever since I graduated from high school because it was just University right after that. I guess life is just....studying and studying and studying, graduating, and getting a job and working your entire life for money and THAT'S IT. Isn't that what everyone else is doing?

Even at this age, I feel 'old' enough to just want to settle down quickly and have things in my life all fixed, and there's nothing more that I look forward for than to be stable in life. Whether I'll still be in a relationship or not, or whether I'll be alone or not, I just can't wait to settle down - by having my own house, my own car, and having a stable income. Inherently, I think I just want to quickly reach that stage/phase in my life where I feel like my life is finally in a place; and not just I-don't-knows an feeling "lost" all the time.

At the age of 20 where I'm supposed to "have fun" and live wild, and at this age where many are still having fun and partying, drinking and dancing, getting high and doing all that stupid stuffs, I am more than happy to be where I am now - studying in Uni, and getting closer to where I want to be in the future. And at this exact moment, though I'm still lost and still 'unsettled' in life, I'm contented with where I am now.

"In some ways I feel like our man-made expectations of our lives are the perfect example of our intelligence as a species is both our greatest asset and our greatest undoing. In our world of Nicholas Sparks novels and idealised movies, we can adapt a very distorted view on our reality. We expect love to be a guy buying a star for us and expect to find magic in the form of pixie dust to fly to Neverland or become a mermaid. And beyond movies/novels is our media.

When we view things like health and happiness we expect it to look like beautiful fruit platters, running in lulu shorts with no sweat and perfect hair on a sunny day. AND we expect to get there right away. What we don't expect is ugly ass oats, rainy miserable days and a lifelong journey of making mistakes and learning.

So although inherently we know our lives aren't curated IG feeds or movies we can still expect things from life that it can't deliver. We compare our reality to our expectation of our reality and in doing so we take ourselves out of experiencing our lives in the moment as they are. We've let something that isn't bothering us bother us because we expect something else. It's like we've created a problem where none existed to begin with.

So perhaps the key is just changing our perspective on our expectations. 

Maybe love is best conveyed in just a humble hug and magic is found in the sun rising. Maybe this life, our life, your life, is already full of wonder. Maybe life's just about being here on this blue orb experiencing all the hurt, struggle, love and happiness this world has to offer.

I'm sitting in a cafe eating two vegan muffins and sippin on chai tea while gazing out the window at this beautiful little boy. He's looking wide-eyed and giddy, dipping his fingers in his moms latte, marvelling then licking up the foam, watching words come out of his loving family with curiosity in his eyes as if each word is a miracle. He's pointing and shouting at birds flying across the perfectly blue sky asking where they are going.

Maybe in his eyes just breathing, talking, seeing flying magical creatures and tasting caffeinated foam is enough to instil wonder in him. Maybe we all need some of his perspective in our lives."

Wow, it has been such a loooooooooong while.

How has everyone been?

To be honest, I don't think anyone reads this space anymore. But if you happen to read this, thank you for checking on this space. I hope you're doing good, and perhaps even better. I doubt I'll post much on this space anymore but I'll come back from time to time. Now that Dayre is closing down too, I'll be moving to wordpress to blog daily (life updates!). So if you're still looking for my posts and there aren't any new ones here, try looking for them at cheryyyylllll.wordpress.com!

I've been well. It's year 2 in Uni now and it's gonna be a real hectic year, and I might disappear once I get busy but I'm always on Instagram @ cheryyyyllll if you need to find me. I love y'all!


Love,

Cheryl

In case anyone starts to think that this is a scam, I can safely assure you that I've met Donna in real life before and I visited her in the hospital just two months ago. Despite all the pain she has endured alone, she still remained cheerful and smiley and was able to crack jokes with all of us. Her positivity and strength definitely touched my heart and left me a very strong impression of her, though I met her then only for the very first time.

For those who wants to know more about her story, it's all on the link below (and it's also the same link where you can donate money if you like):

https://give.asia/story/help_donna_-running_out_of_funds_to_continue_treatment?utm_campaign=donation_success&utm_medium=email&utm_source=uww3u9i7cjk2mv1n#story
Just hearing Donna's story makes my heart break, because I've once lost someone close to me because of cancer too. I lost my dad due to cancer when I was 14 and it was the most heartbreaking, sad, tragic and life-changing experience in my life. Thankfully enough we managed to cover most of his expenses with insurance and savings. So I can't imagine having anyone else fighting the same battle but having to stress about money at this point of time.

No one deserves to have cancer, even if they are villians with black hearts or the worst kind of humans possible. We have lost so many of our loved ones to it. And in any way, no one deserves to fret over their financial expenses or reject any treatment for themselves just because they can't afford it. I know everyone has their own struggles and we're all trying to survive in our own ways in this world, but I believe we're all meant to help each other out and lessen each other's pain.

"We rise by lifting others. "

And I wanna share one of the most beautiful and empowering quotes here:



And as Mother Theresa once said:

"Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love."

Anyway, I had a simple celebration on my 19th birthday with just my boyfriend by having a simple date out. I had a history exam that very morning so I spent most of my morning studying for it, and then I went out for lunch with him. We had burritos and nachos, had a good coffee, walked around the city hand in hand, talked, chilled, did grocery shopping together, went home to cook and had dinner. That was it but — Just that alone, was good enough.

So recently I've just finished reading a book titled Showing Up For Life by Bill Gates Sr. And I must say - It's pretty good.
1 "In each of our lives, we have opportunities to do many things when no one is watching. And it is under such circumstances that we express and cultivate character. We all make mistakes. But, as the classics attest there is nothing in life worth surrendering the right to think of oneself as a good person. 

Honestly, life hasn't been good to me recently. Not at all,  because so much have happened in the span of two months. Emotionally, I've long ago conceded defeat - life has been testing me in so many ways all at once. I broke up with someone I loved and had a fight with a good friend of mine. I was undeniably hurt, depressed, heartbroken, scared, scarred, suicidal and very, very sad. I can't even find a word better than to describe how sad and dejected I was at that time; I just remember how much it sucked to know that I had to face it alone no matter what. I lost appetite, lost weight, lost the smile on my face, and waking up everyday felt like pure torture. I just wanted to sleep and forget.
All these happened while I was struggling so complete my assignments back in Uni - I had projects, group discussions and deadlines to meet. But I attended every class each day without fail, not because I had to but because I didn't want to be irresponsible.

I really wanted to leave at that point of time but I knew I couldn't be so irresponsible to give everything up and just walk away because it's too hard. Because I still have my responsibility as a friend, a student, a family member and most importantly a daughter and a granddaughter in my family. And despite all these, I had friends who were there for me throughout (and for that, I'll always be very grateful) and tried their best to stay up with me until late at night (4-5am on most nights) just to make sure I wouldn't be alone crying in my room. I had friends who initiated trips and going out on weekends just to make me feel better. I'll always be grateful to them for that, and I hope they know who they are.

Even until today, I wouldn't say that things are anywhere better for me now. I still have unresolved conflicts, I have (more) assignments to complete, I am still hurt and broken, still very stressed, and there are still days when I still break down. Sometimes they are just random outbursts out of nowhere. There are days when I feel a little stronger and days when I think to myself, "I'm better
today.".



And despite all these, I'm contented.

Yes, I may have unresolved conflicts. I may have lost people who were important to me, and I may have lost myself the most. I may have more assignments and unending amount of work to complete, and I may have been demoralised with my recent grades. I may struggle having (or striking) a work-life balance being a full-time student in Uni and having a part-time job after class. I may struggle with not having enough time to do the things I have to do (chores, work, or even taking care of myself well) and not having time for myself. I may be emotionally drained and so tired and dead inside, and I may not have the capacity to care about anything anymore. And I may be really, really stressed out. And I'm still struggling every single day. But I'm still alive. And life still goes on, no matter what.

But I'm contented. Not because I have everything, but because I don't. Because on some days when I cry in despair I still see hope in the little things. Sometimes I see someone telling Buddha "Go easy on her; she has enough on her plate." and Buddha replying, "Let her be. I know her; she's capable of doing more than just this. This will just be a challenge for her, but she will overcome it like how she always do. Just watch her." And then I feel more empowered and a little stronger. Because I know that wherever I am and whatever I do, Buddha and my dad would always be watching and protecting me from afar. And I want them to know that I'm doing well even when I'm struggling. As long as I know and believe that someone has faith in me, I'll do (not try) my best to not let them down.

I'm contented, because I'm privileged. Not in terms of wealth or the digits in my bank statement, but with what I have. I'm privileged because I have a roof over my head and a nice apartment to live in. I have clothes to wear and make-up to use at home. I'm capable of feeding myself with nutritious and good food, and I never have to worry about starving or going to sleep hungry. I own a big bed all to myself and I have the privilege to sleep comfortably at night. I'm privileged, also because I'm healthy and perfectly capable of taking care of myself well alone.
I may have a lot of assignments and work to do in Uni but I'm more than privileged to have a chance to experience studying overseas and the chance to study and learn every single day. Sure, university (or maybe just architecture) may be tough but I love it because it's challenging. Because I'm learning something new everyday and the fact that it is challenging forces me to be better than yesterday today.
I may not be financially stable or well-off to spend money like water (just like what some people around me are doing) and have absolutely no reason to get a job while studying but I love the fact that I have to work to achieve some things by myself. Getting a job was completely my own choice and it was done out of my own will. And I love it because I do enjoy working my current job, and I love that I'm being more self-sufficient and independent, as long as I'm capable.
I'm privileged also because I've my family and friends. They are people who always feel like home to me. People who I know would always be there to stick by even when times get tough, and people who wouldn't give up on me no matter what happens. And most importantly, I'm privileged because I'm loved.
I may be tired and worn out, but life still goes on and so will I.

Sometimes it's hard to see the things that are worth being thankful for, especially when you're worn down by the details of living. It's like trying to catch a clear view of the shore when you're slowly drowning and being pulled away by the current. The truth is, the grass is always greener on the other side. But always remember that - someone out there will always be envious of something you have that they don't. So learn how to water your own grass, because the grass will be greener where you water it.

Here I am. I'm exhausted, so worn out, so broken and not okay but I'm contented with what I have and at peace at where I am now. And I hope you are too.

It has been quite awhile since I posted anything here. Or even anywhere, in fact. Ever since uni started I've been so busy with assignments and doing chores that I don't even have time to blog or dayre anymore. But the thing about blogging is that, I will always miss writing and pouring my heart out especially when I haven't done so in a long time. So I'd always think about topics to write about and accumulate them in my head until I have the chance to do so. That said I've a few topics in mind that I want to cover here, hopefully in the span of the next few weeks and if not, months.
You can expect to see these few topics popping out in the next few posts:

• The kind of person you want to become
• The quality of friends
• What I feel & think about relationships and marriages
• What studying overseas is like (to me)
• How I am coping in Uni/architecture in general
• Why you should give your best in everything
• The life we want to have VS the life we have

During my trip back home to Singapore, I managed to visit two fortune-tellers on two separate occasions. Once, with Jiaying after we visited the temple and decided to try it out just for fun. Twice, with Yizhi just to bring him to the place but I ended up seeing a different fortune teller. You know, just to see if it's accurate.

Since I was young, my dad loved to go for fortune-telling. I remember that I would tag along on some occasions and this is a summary of what I was told by different fortune-tellers (that I still remember):

• I would be a successful property agent if I ever become one. And because I'm so good at talking and convincing, I can even convince people to buy haunted houses! (Lol, I sure wasn't that pleased the first time I heard that because I never thought of becoming a property agent. Plus, why would I be so evil to sell a house to a person knowing that there are ghosts inside?! Eeek.)
• I shouldn't marry young because I would end up in a divorce anyway. It's best that I marry late - maybe after I turn 27/28 years old? 
• I have a strong character and I'd definitely be more of an independent woman next time (this I can absolutely agree!)
• I'd be very successful in my career no matter what job I end up in, and I'd be someone of a high authority so people would be listening to my orders while working. (This came off as a little puzzling because I have never been one to lead or someone who likes having authority over others, especially in a large group. I feel much more comfortable being as a team rather than being a leader. Just less politics, less feelings and less conflicts in work I guess?)

Most of you must have already known by now that I'm admitted and intending to pursue Architecture in university as well as my planned long-term career in the future. And again, you probably know me well enough (if you do) to know that architecture has never been something I wanted to do or even thought of doing. So why did I decide to take it? You may wonder.

You might believe that there's a strong and good reason behind that reason, but the truth is, I don't know myself. I've always been interested in medicine and surgery and I've liked it so much that no other courses have ever crossed my mind. All my life I grew up thinking that I'd get what I wanted, as long as I was capable enough and worked hard for it.

But growing up, I began to realise that you don't get everything you want in life. You just don't. People may tell you that nothing will stop you from chasing after your dreams as long as you're determined enough to work for it, or tell you that you shouldn't not chase after your dreams, but they don't tell you that it doesn't work for everyone. Is life ever fair? I guess not.

It's easy for someone else to say "just do something you love" or "just choose any course to study" because at the end of the day, what they are offering is just an advice, not a decision. Ultimately the choice is still yours - whether or not you heed their advice, it's still up to you.

I was enrolled in Bachelor of Biomedical Sciences in UTAS and was offered a spot after my FSP year but I rejected and changed it to Environmental Design, otherwise known as Architecture. Why did I pick this course then? Also, why did I even pick Biomed in the first place if I didn't want it?

When I first enrolled myself into Foundation Studies, my goal in mind was to work really hard, get a full GPA score, sit for an iSAT test to get into medicine, pass it and enter med school. At that time I wasn't allowed to study medicine because my mum strongly opposed to it (due to financial circumstances) so I picked Biomed because I knew I could still change it at the end of my FSP year. So when I started FSP, I picked subjects that I knew were eligible for medicine. I took Chemistry and Math.

I knew it was a selfish desire to aim for medicine because I knew my mum would never approve of it, but as much as I knew how impossible it was, I can't deny that I really, really do have the passion for it. Every single time I passed by the medical building in the city, a part of me would die inside because I knew that it would always remain a dream. Every time there was a new drama about doctors and surgery, I'd instantly jump up and the next thing I know, I'd be downloading every episode and watch them. I love watching medical based dramas so much because I've always aspired to be a doctor and a surgeon.

June came last year and it was actually the time to study and sit for the iSAT test that I was intending to take, but by then I had already told myself that I wasn't going to take it anymore and that medicine should never be my end goal any longer. So I gave it a miss.

Soon, it was the end of the year. Results for the test came out and most of my friends who took it didn't make it through. Only one did. I started regretting not taking the test, and I contemplated if I should take the next one over the course of a few days.
But eventually I didn't because the test was only available in Melbourne and Singapore, and at that time I was still studying in FSP and didn't have any breaks or whatsoever to fly anywhere. Nor did I have the extra time to study for the test because it was a hectic period for us and we had lots of assignments before the upcoming final examinations. I pondered long and hard, and eventually didn't because the test itself would require quite a lot of money and I thought: even if I passed, would it be able to change anything? No.

I eventually did managed to do as well as I wanted, and got the full GPA score I aimed for, but it all came to a naught.

Then it was time to make a final decision for my university course. I wanted to get out of Biomed because I knew I wouldn't enjoy being stuck in a lab my entire life or even doing anymore lab work in the next few years because if you've ever studied with me (especially science subjects) you would know how much I HATE lab work. I dreaded lab lessons so much when I took Chemistry in FSP that it was really a pain in an ass even when I thought about it. Worst still, UTAS even changed Biomedical Sciences to Laboratory science, making it even more lab-based (and more gross) so the idea of taking Biomed was totally out.

Other than medicine as my dream and running my own business as a second dream, I had another passion for writing. I mean I still do, don't get me wrong. I do love writing, and I do love blogging and taking pictures. So for awhile I did consider taking Journalism and something media-based because I could see myself being an editor, a travel writer or a blogger in the future. At least it was something else I enjoyed doing, even though I've always seen it as a form of leisure rather than a career. And I did consider and thought about it long enough that I had my mind settled on Bachelor of Arts -- and then I did my research and consulted various university course lecturers to know more about the course.

I thought about:

• Bachelor of Arts (either 1 major and 1 minor / 2 majors) - I thought of taking 2 majors: one in journalism and one in either tourism or social sciences. 
• Bachelor of Social Sciences (2 majors and 1 minor) - I thought of taking my majors in Social Science and Journalism and minor in Psychology or tourism.
• Bachelor of Arts & Science (combined degree) - This felt like the safest option since I didn't know what to take. I mean I've always been a Science person because I love science but arts has always been in my favour, if you get what I mean. Like I prefer studying science but I do better in arts, if I put in the same amount of effort that is. And also, it is a very general course and thus it felt like the safest bet because I could venture into a lot of different careers after I graduate and not worry about not the eligibility and requirements of my future career.
• Bachelor of Science - I thought about this only because I didn't know what other specific course to take in the science field.
• Bachelor of Environmental Sciences, Architecture - Truth is, I've never thought about this until my friend suggested and I thought "maybe I would like it". It has never crossed my mind because it's such a unique course (I'd say) since it doesn't belong to specifically Arts or Science. And because I never took it, I thought "Hey why not, I might like it!"

 "Let go of the belief that you have everything figured out right now. That you have to know exactly who you want to be, exactly what you want to do, exactly who you want to have a life with. Be okay with the fact that you're going to go through life feeling blind and unsteady and never fully sure of what you're doing, because that's how it's supposed to be."

I really needed to hear this.

It's okay to be unsure. It's okay to be stuck and lost sometimes. As always, I should believe that life will always have a way for me.

Because I know it does.

Writing this not because I think I'll stick to them and accomplish anything, but just to write down some of the things I wish to do.

Just yesterday I reposted this article from TC on my dayre, and it's titled "17 things to let go of in 2017". I earnestly hope everyone would use their free time to read it - it will only take at most ten minutes. You can find this post here or on TC!

Before I start writing, I just want to wish the person who's reading this now a blessed year ahead! May 2017 be a better year for all of us and a year worth living for.

"May 2017 bring you,

unbridled joy,

rampant happiness,

unrestrained laughter,

the courage to make bodacious choices,

and to take undaunted steps forward,

may you have courageous thoughts

unwavering faith 

and a steadfast love in all that you are and all that you're becoming."