still trying


270513 / 5:43PM / Monday

finally, heaving a sigh of relief. exam results are finally all out, and i'm feeling so relieved because i was worrying over my results over the weekends, wondering whether i would fail more subjects. knew that i would do very badly for this mid year exams, and i did. it was the lowest (ever) results i've ever received in my whole life. all Cs and 3 damn Es. i don't even know how to face myself anymore. and guess what, all the papers that i thought i would fail for sure, i passed. and all the papers i thought i will at least, just at least, score well for, turned out to be a fail.
i don't know, i just feel so lost in life. time to pick myself up again after the fall. have been feeling really moody and depressed over the last weekend because i was so haunted by my results. all the E grades i'm getting even though i put some effort to memorise the notes. this isn't happening to me at all.
was feeling damn drained last friday, thought over so much things on the bus back home. i never really thought i would be affected so badly by this, because normally i won't even give two fucks to my results or shit happening in school. felt so lost in life (so damn lost), didn't know what to head for in life, didn't know what to do, didn't know how to pick myself up again. right now to those who are reading this, you might think i'm such a fool for taking my results so seriously. lol, i never had, until failure hit me this bad. i know this isn't o levels or anything or i'm not getting retained or anything idk but still, if you're scoring average throughout your whole life in your academics and out of the blue you get something like this, barely a pass, i think you would understand how much it fucking feels to be me right now.
i don't think everyone did VERY WELL or extremely well for this mid years because it wasn't that easy. haven't seen anyone getting straight As (yet).
alright, time to let go of things, time to let go of all these emotions and bad occurrences. hoping that things would get better when i pick myself up again. and i will.

on the bright side, there's something that i'm looking forward to. 1st of June and my 2 weeks vacation to europe, italy and switzerland. can't wait to unwind there, i needa get some things off my mind. told my mum i was really affected by my results and she told me "its okay, you can take things off your mind when we go overseas few weeks later." at times like these, i really love my mum. at least she isn't those kind of parent that goes frantic and crazy if you tell her you fail a subject, or don't get an A. she understands us, and that's what i really appreciate.
looking forward to my birthday party as it is really the first party i would be having out of the whole 15 years of my life hehe. to be honest this party was supposed to be on vesak day, which is on the 24th of may and its over already. but the staff of the management office screwed up and arranged it on 1st of June instead. sadly, the bbq won't be by the pool side and this really sucks. i have seen many people organising their birthday parties in the function room and bbq-ing by the pool side, with some of the friends enjoying themselves while eating in the function room and chatting away happily while some of them are doing night swimming and happily laughing away in the pool. idk but i really love romantic atmosphere hehe because i think everyone will love them???? hais but sadly, my bbq's on the 6th floor of the clubhouse and its beside the tennis courts, which is really ulu and then the tennis court's a breeding ground for mosquitoes. :( haven't really went to see the REAL bbq place for myself but my mum and bro went already, and they said it was okay. really hope for a turn of events though, and that the bbq will be by the poolside instead. xx cross my fingers and pray xx
many of my friends have been asking me what i want for my birthday, and i really think its damn paiseh to name out the things you really really want on your wishlist because idk, i feel like i will be expecting them to buy something for me, which is not true HAHAHA. tbh you can come empty-handed to the party lol i really don't care, since i've owe sososososososo many people for their birthday presents hais, now im feeling really bad and i needa get em soon.
right now, several stuffs on my wishlist are probably this. (so that i won't have to name out or anything like that, it will be damn awkward idk)
1. getting my ears pierced. (shit this wish have been on my wishlist for so damn long i waited for like ten years already. about 6 years since my first piercing but it closed so ohwells. hoping that someone would go with me to get our ears pierced together hehe.)

some things that would really be good to have right now:
- A planner. (saw this really cute my little prince planner/book from stationery island @ pp today, wanted to purchase it but still thinking whether i should.)
-A new pair of platforms. (saw this t-bar platforms/look kinda creepers in glossy maroon last weekend @ bugis street and wanted to buy it but my mum said no, unfortunately)
-Bags/clothes/cute socks?????????????????????????????????? whatever!!!
-Anything that you wish to buy.
(don't need to buy also can omfg i don't want to feel like a bitch to force yall to buy a present if you come for my party because i JUST NEED YOUR PRESENCE hehe. your presence counts. even if you spent like 10 cents or what, $2 on my presents i will also gladly accept it! i don't want anyone to spent any unnecessary money on all these expensive stuffs like doc marts or anything.

repeating myself for the thousandth time, i'm not forcing y'all to buy any gifts, really. hoping that the people i invited to the party will turn up hehe and hope that we would have fun together. still thinking whether i should extend the party a lil bit later till 11 or even 12am or even till 2am to have fun or something because pigu can't make it in the evening. however, we would have to clear up by 10pm, and then we go find somewhere else to lepak.

ok la, i have spent a fair bit of time elaborating on this party thing HAHAHA idk i'm just so excited because i really hope i would feel better after this horrible week. it was a long time ago since i genuinely felt happy, because things have been really bad and i'm slowly losing my own happiness. on the side note, can't wait for my vacation so that i can officially get things off my mind. //

won't be blogging any time soon for this month, probably will blog again after my birthday or before i leave for my vacation, and will blog again at the end of june when i come back to sg xx

so as to sum up the month of may, i will post some photos here! (photos are arranged in chronological order hehe the oldest's on the top and newest at the bottom)

how i "study" for my exams. 
this was probably around 9pm-ish, when its way ahead my sleeping time and i was dying to sleep even though i haven't started on any revisions. this was probably the night before Amath exam, because i see my calculator there and some of the sums i did. would've worked harder if i knew i was gonna fail fml

out with rachel on the last day of our exams, free after emath paper 2. on a friday, can't remember the date. this is at a bus stop @ simei while waiting for the bus to parkway and this rachel refused to take a picture with me and when she finally agreed, she insisted that i deleted it because it was unglam. rachel ah rachel wee, why did you make me look so awkward in the picture, only showing myself /:
was released around 1015 that day, and we went my house and did some gyming before heading out at 3-4pm ish. went quite a number of places and reached home around 8pm.

a picture of my hair length hehe so happy.
i've always hated how fast my hair grows because its so annoying and because i don't like cutting my hair that short either. but recently, i think my hair is growing damn slowly lol i don't even know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing but i guess that's a bad thing because it shows that i don't eat much recently /: i only came into this conclusion that my hair is growing damn slowly only because i can't remember when was the last time i trimmed it HAHAHA

sourdough 49'ers @ swensens with xiangyun, akina, rachel, pigu, kailin.
was supposed to go nex with rachel only since she asked me but i asked quite a few people to go as well so yay hehe. haven't had lunch or meals with a big group for the longest time ever. (the last time was on pigu's birthday) i don't really fancy the food from swensens firstly because its not cheap and secondly, almost everything smells of cheese. GROSS.

lunch at lenas with kina @ tampines 1 on the day we went for tianyu's party in the evening. spent about  2 hours eating cos my ulcer was hurting like mad. thank god its gone now hehehehe so happy. but the food there was really damn good omg the taste of this spaghetti still lingers around. you can choose your choice of base, choice of pasta and the flavours. really enjoyed eating there hehe and btw its under MOF ministry of food, which is also another good restaurant. kina and i concluded that this will be OUR restaurant. loved nydc so im secretly concluding that its the pigus restaurant. :-))))
haven't went out with kina for ages, and i really mean it, its damn long. the last time we met up was on december 2012 wtf its like ten thousand years ago.

on the bus heading to downtown east for gay's party hehehe

#ootd to dinner with pigu hehe it was unplanned but then i had no dinner that day and pigu asked me so we went for changi city point for dinz. had ichiban boshi for dinner omfg my sushi craving was finally satisfied!!!!! :-) thank god hehe this girl still wanted to eat @ table manners.

and then this, one of the few recent photos i took, 2 days ago on a saturday hehe.
went to bugis for temple and went to bugis street with mummy and bro. came home around 4pm-ish and headed to organise another flea at pasir ris around 5pm and ended at 9pm. hehe cleared some of my old clothes which im very happy about and earned around $72 which is really not bad, i mean i get money clearing my old clothes hehehehehe. really love my hair here, it looks so silky and soft and idk so nice!!!!!!!!!!!! 

i think i have blogged for a long time, time to rest :-)
see you girls again next week :-))))))

alright till then
xoxo, cheryl :)

//don't blame me if i feel reluctant to talk, you changed me. you made me realised that some things aren't worth the wait, just like you do. i don't see the need for me trying to give in anymore, since you weren't even willing to talk at the start. don't come begging for more than i could give//

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