I am contented.


Honestly, life hasn't been good to me recently. Not at all,  because so much have happened in the span of two months. Emotionally, I've long ago conceded defeat - life has been testing me in so many ways all at once. I broke up with someone I loved and had a fight with a good friend of mine. I was undeniably hurt, depressed, heartbroken, scared, scarred, suicidal and very, very sad. I can't even find a word better than to describe how sad and dejected I was at that time; I just remember how much it sucked to know that I had to face it alone no matter what. I lost appetite, lost weight, lost the smile on my face, and waking up everyday felt like pure torture. I just wanted to sleep and forget.
All these happened while I was struggling so complete my assignments back in Uni - I had projects, group discussions and deadlines to meet. But I attended every class each day without fail, not because I had to but because I didn't want to be irresponsible.

I really wanted to leave at that point of time but I knew I couldn't be so irresponsible to give everything up and just walk away because it's too hard. Because I still have my responsibility as a friend, a student, a family member and most importantly a daughter and a granddaughter in my family. And despite all these, I had friends who were there for me throughout (and for that, I'll always be very grateful) and tried their best to stay up with me until late at night (4-5am on most nights) just to make sure I wouldn't be alone crying in my room. I had friends who initiated trips and going out on weekends just to make me feel better. I'll always be grateful to them for that, and I hope they know who they are.

Even until today, I wouldn't say that things are anywhere better for me now. I still have unresolved conflicts, I have (more) assignments to complete, I am still hurt and broken, still very stressed, and there are still days when I still break down. Sometimes they are just random outbursts out of nowhere. There are days when I feel a little stronger and days when I think to myself, "I'm better

And despite all these, I'm contented.

Yes, I may have unresolved conflicts. I may have lost people who were important to me, and I may have lost myself the most. I may have more assignments and unending amount of work to complete, and I may have been demoralised with my recent grades. I may struggle having (or striking) a work-life balance being a full-time student in Uni and having a part-time job after class. I may struggle with not having enough time to do the things I have to do (chores, work, or even taking care of myself well) and not having time for myself. I may be emotionally drained and so tired and dead inside, and I may not have the capacity to care about anything anymore. And I may be really, really stressed out. And I'm still struggling every single day. But I'm still alive. And life still goes on, no matter what.

But I'm contented. Not because I have everything, but because I don't. Because on some days when I cry in despair I still see hope in the little things. Sometimes I see someone telling Buddha "Go easy on her; she has enough on her plate." and Buddha replying, "Let her be. I know her; she's capable of doing more than just this. This will just be a challenge for her, but she will overcome it like how she always do. Just watch her." And then I feel more empowered and a little stronger. Because I know that wherever I am and whatever I do, Buddha and my dad would always be watching and protecting me from afar. And I want them to know that I'm doing well even when I'm struggling. As long as I know and believe that someone has faith in me, I'll do (not try) my best to not let them down.

I'm contented, because I'm privileged. Not in terms of wealth or the digits in my bank statement, but with what I have. I'm privileged because I have a roof over my head and a nice apartment to live in. I have clothes to wear and make-up to use at home. I'm capable of feeding myself with nutritious and good food, and I never have to worry about starving or going to sleep hungry. I own a big bed all to myself and I have the privilege to sleep comfortably at night. I'm privileged, also because I'm healthy and perfectly capable of taking care of myself well alone.
I may have a lot of assignments and work to do in Uni but I'm more than privileged to have a chance to experience studying overseas and the chance to study and learn every single day. Sure, university (or maybe just architecture) may be tough but I love it because it's challenging. Because I'm learning something new everyday and the fact that it is challenging forces me to be better than yesterday today.
I may not be financially stable or well-off to spend money like water (just like what some people around me are doing) and have absolutely no reason to get a job while studying but I love the fact that I have to work to achieve some things by myself. Getting a job was completely my own choice and it was done out of my own will. And I love it because I do enjoy working my current job, and I love that I'm being more self-sufficient and independent, as long as I'm capable.
I'm privileged also because I've my family and friends. They are people who always feel like home to me. People who I know would always be there to stick by even when times get tough, and people who wouldn't give up on me no matter what happens. And most importantly, I'm privileged because I'm loved.
I may be tired and worn out, but life still goes on and so will I.

Sometimes it's hard to see the things that are worth being thankful for, especially when you're worn down by the details of living. It's like trying to catch a clear view of the shore when you're slowly drowning and being pulled away by the current. The truth is, the grass is always greener on the other side. But always remember that - someone out there will always be envious of something you have that they don't. So learn how to water your own grass, because the grass will be greener where you water it.

Here I am. I'm exhausted, so worn out, so broken and not okay but I'm contented with what I have and at peace at where I am now. And I hope you are too.

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