why do i find it so hard to be happy?

honestly feeling so tired of living this way.
woke up feeling a lil inspired to make the best out of today, but all my plans backfired so i ended up sleeping my afternoon away. i absolutely hate it when i waste my weekends away like that, but i was so irritated with everything since my plans were ruined so i just decided to sleep it off.
woke up feeling worse, but i managed to shrug it off and went out to shop alone for a little while. wanted to get some clothes for myself since it has been a pretty long time since i bought any, but the clothes were all unappealing so i didn't get any. wanted to get some sushi, pizzas or ben&jerry ice cream to make myself a lil better, but i didn't have the appetite to eat.
such a wasteful weekend and right now, i just want my appetite to come back and eat, at least eating makes me happy.

to be honest, i feel like i'm slipping into depression. i haven't felt genuinely happy for the longest time ever. i fret over small things & find it so difficult to carry on with a smile.
& nobody cares, nor do i.
i want to give up on myself, yet at the same time, i'm afraid of giving in to depression. i want to completely sink, but i'm afraid of sinking forever.

i don't know. i want to push harder, but i want to give up even more.

why am i even typing this, its not like anyone's going to read this before i delete it.

they say "its just one of those days" but i don't think it's just "one" anymore. more like everyday.

i just miss being happy.