first
22:44
on some nights i would prefer resting my bones on a chair so light that could possibly break when a weight is on it; at the balcony under a dark sky where the galaxies lie, and where the different constellations make up in the sky; rather than seeking solace in something more comfortable like my bed. on some nights i would rather shove those earpieces in and listen to classical - a kind of genre that evokes the deepest of one's mind and the ends of one heartstrings - a kind of sound which makes you excited yet sleepy at the same time - a kind of music which makes your heart beat in a different way you've never felt before and the kind that would make your mind drift even to the furthest ends of the world. i'd rather listen to slow songs - the kind that would evoke feelings; rather than the obstreperous kind of sound that would irritate your tendrils and vex the mind. i'd rather be calm; just like the way the wind pushes the waves to move, or the peace you feel when you stroll along the beach at the end of a long day. i'd rather be calm; for i know that peace do not come by easily; and that peace can only be found in oneself. to find peace, is to be at peace at yourself. i like quietness, yet i hate silence. silence is exactly like the kind of pain that would prick - the pain you feel when a cold wind blows across every skin tissue of your body; the pain you could feel immediately; the pain that could wake you up because it hurts but the kind of pain you might get addicted to. these are the vicious kind of pain - the kind of pain you'd never want to feel even if its the tiniest of all, and the kind of pain you'd want to feel over and over again because it takes something away. something away? i'm not quite sure of what either, but the kind that you might find solace in; the kind you'd feel comfortable in, even if it pricks the innermost of your cells.
as i lay there with the calmness seeking in the background and drowning my soul in music that could bring my soul to life, i wonder how you're doing. i close my eyes - and even though the calmness is taking over my mind, my heart still jumps whenever the cold wind blows across and as i lay there in the wee hours of morning alone. my mind tells me i'm in a place i'm uncomfortable in; the kind of place my mind would be afraid of. but at the end of the day what i am afraid of is just the darkness. i know it - because I've always been afraid of the dark; the kind of demon that blankets over the light and the one that steals hope within all hearts. Darkness is scary, i told myself at every breath, but my heart refuses to leave. and with every breath i took, my heart races a little bit faster and adrenaline is starting to take over my body. i refuse to compromise, i refuse to believe that I'm afraid of darkness. Darkness is associated with demons, and the night is dangerous, i tell myself. No, the other voice says, darkness is beautiful (you can only find peace within me). that's also true, i tell myself. now my mind is teeming with little battles: to leave the place my mind finds dangerous in, or to stay in the same place my heart is seeking peace in. i've to make a choice, but i take the seconds off the ticking clock as if they would stop for me.
i knew i had to make a quick decision; for my mind was unable to settle itself into place and it couldn't come into terms with me getting over my fear for darkness. darkness is twice as beautiful, as my thought tries to reassure my mind but i eventually gave in to the demons in my head that insists to tell me otherwise.
"leave", my instincts tell me. and i hesitated - the kind of hesitation you make between two choices you equally love and are dear for; the kind of hesitation you give when you've to choose between giving up someone or something; or when you have to decide to give up someone who makes you happy or believe he could always find someone better. i choose to listen to the voices in my head that tells me to stop, to stop doing what my mind is afraid of. i listened; and i left.
today I'm sorry for not calling your name out in the dark and listened to your every movements as the stars jump across the constellations, or the way the stars line up in the sky. I'm sorry i couldn't hear you - for the nerve impulses in my brain were sending me enough adrenaline that made my blood cells in the vessels rush for time. I'm sorry i couldn't watch over you - just like how i believe you always are; even in the deepest ends of the world who god knows where it is; and at the back of my heart where i still know you belong.
xx, my first
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