How many of you out there live life with a purpose? Are you living a meaningful life? Do you think that it's all worth it? What are you living for?

I've been asking myself these questions for the longest time ever. What exactly is the purpose of life? How did we all end up here, why do we have to live, why do we have different life spans, why do people die, etc..................everyone would obviously say "only God knows" or you can say, God is always the answer. Or whomever you believe created us and gave us this life.

But is it really the truth that people do believe that God created us for a reason, and that we'll probably never know why until the day we die? Or is it just intrinsically easier for us to believe that a form of "higher up" or an omnipotent being exists? (In short, the God we believe in.) Anyway, it's always so much easier to disengage yourself and sort of, blame someone or something else when you can't bother to think and when you really don't know. It's like - I believe that everything happens for a reason. Because it's so much easier to do so. You don't have to specially find any sort of reasoning or rationale behind it. It just happens.

When you start asking yourself "what am I exactly here for?" and you can't give an incisive answer, the reason is simple: You are not living life with a purpose. How do you think you're living a purposeful life when you're so irresolute?

If you need time to think of a reason why, then you might as well admit that you're uncertain too.

Having to lose the drive to work towards your goals and live each day without knowing a purpose, sucks. It's like waking up everyday and asking yourself, "Why do I have to do this?" You know what - I wake up for school every morning and it takes up so much mental strength to tell myself: "Let's do this. It will be over soon." It's like, I wake up each day hoping that the day would end the next minute. I'm not even sure of what I'm doing. All I know is that that, life goes on anyway.

Isn't that what adults always tell you? That shit happens, but life goes on. People change, love hurts, friends leave, things go wrong, but life goes on. Things may go wrong, but life goes on. Whatever happens, life goes on. One thing for sure: whatever happens, life goes on. Don't think too much, life goes on. Anyway, life goes on. LIFE GOES ON!

Basically, what they are trying to tell you is that - no storms last forever. And even if they do, please don't bother trying to drown yourself in misery or cry in despair. To put it blatantly, it's like saying "you've a wretched life. Just suck it up." Or am I just supposed to believe, that I'm just the designer or creator of my own catastrophe? :-)

Life becomes a dread when you don't live with a purpose. Everything seems trifling and insignificant.

In order to restore whatever "drive" I had before, I watched many videos to try getting myself inspired and motivated again. I needed motivation, I needed inspiration, I just needed some form of desire to do something more meaningful or consequential. I just needed my life to be WORTHWHILE! And well, I still need them.

I've watched many TED talks (TED speakers are really good) and I've watched several videos to get myself motivated. Supposedly motivational, but it just doesn't seem to steer me long enough. They are mostly fleeting and it's like a "momentary" kinda thing. Yes, I do get motivated - but it only lasts for a few days. Well, at most.

I remember watching one of the TED talks on youtube, this particular video called "Draw your future - Take control of your life." under "Best Ted talks 2015". Here's the link if you want to watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vl6wCiUZYc I thought to myself: "Hey, it's one of the best Ted talks of the year. Must be really good." And it was - the speaker (Patti's her name I think) talked about how we could effectively achieve our dreams and make them into reality. It's basically about drawing your dreams into reality: See it, believe it, action it. So I drew mine - a uniformed girl pulling a long face in school, with a question mark on her thought bubble, with a pile of work stacked beside her and with the clock ticking behind her. That was under "current state". On the other hand, under my "desired reality", I drew the same girl - but this time round dressed in the medical school attire, with rubber shoes, with a stethoscope hanging around her neck, smiling happily and working in a hospital. I stuck this on my wall, hoping that it would serve as a daily reminder of my future goals. I also wrote down the quote Patti mentioned in the video, "A solitary fantasy can transform a million realities." Ah, deep. I think I see Adele somewhere.

I believe most of you reading this would have already known that I want to be a doctor in the future. Not just a doctor, but an oncologist. It was a promise I made for myself. I want to be able to help others. I wanted to be able to alleviate whatever pain that has been inflicted on others. Ultimately it was just for a simple reason. (Read my old posts if you're curious haha)

It has been close to 3 years since I've set out this goal for myself, and unfortunately I seem to have lost the drive I once had. Yes, I still want to help others, I still want to be able to alleviate pain, cure people, accomplish my goal.....and I'd give up everything I've now just for it. Why? Simple - because it's the only reason why I'm here.

But 2015 made me realise that, not everyone in the world would accomplish and live out their dream as they wanted. Not everyone would acquire success just by achieving their dreams.

2015 made me realise that, you don't always have to be the same. Being different is never wrong. Even if everyone does the same thing, it doesn't mean that you have to follow the crowd.

2015 made me realise that, it is important to do what makes you happy. When you live a life without having to constantly worry about the superficial things in life that make you unhappy, it's so much more fulfilling. When exactly was the last time that I ever felt that I didn't have anything to worry about, not even a single thing? I honestly can't remember. And I know that the older you get, the more you tend to worry. Ah, the electricity bills, phone bills, living expenses, your job, your health, money, money, and money. It is irrefutable that the older you get, the heavier your responsibilities. Once you're an adult, you're expected to live a life on your own. Get your own job, depend on yourself. (Lol, the irony when we talk about liberation that comes with freedom.)

At the age of 17, I feel like I have wasted the past 17 years doing nothing commendable or anything fulfilling. My life basically consists of waking up in the morning, going to school, coming home, eating, sleeping. And repeat, repeat, repeat all over again. Wake up in the morning, go to school, come back home, eat, sleep. The next morning you wake up and you do this over and over and over again.

I love studying. I'm not even being sarcastic or trying to be. It's the truth, and I admit it. I love learning, and I love discovering. Isn't it so amazing - how the world works, how the Earth is round, and blah......I love being curious. They say curiosity killed the cat but I don't think it ever killed me. (GEDDDDDIT haha pun intended) I love learning about new things, and knowing makes you feel so much more "powerful" in some sense. It's like, hey you actually know about things!

But you know what I really hate? Being FORCED TO LEARN. Being forced to learn about things that I don't even want to. Or maybe it's just being forced to learn things that are completely IRRELEVANT for your future or your life in general. Let's be honest: Not everything we learn in school is useful.

For example? Vectors in math. You don't need vectors to tell you the length of projection of anything in life from one point to the foot of the perpendicular. If you were to ask anyone out there for the reason why you've to do math, the reason is simple: because it makes you smarter! Okay I really have nothing to say when it comes to math, because it's just fundamental. It just exists, for whatever reason I don't know.

I can come up with many things or rants about the education system, but it is indisputable that it is still important and essential in our lives. Without it, I would have been so stupid. I wouldn't know this much. The education system taught me many things in my past 17 years of my life, most of it I try believing that they are useful and imperative for my future job. Whatever it is, education just steers you to the right academic path and a stable job.

Anyway.

At this point of time in my life, all I want to do now is to do the things that make me happy. Who wouldn't want to? To be truly happy and to lead a fulfilling life. I want to travel around the world, meet different people, gain perspectives and insights and experience life in different ways. I want to have the privilege to laugh without worries, appreciate life in its entirety and be thankful for every moment that I'm here, for my very own existence. I want to follow my feelings and follow happiness.

If I could and had the ability to, I would quit school and live out whatever I want to do. And maybe when I've finally found the purpose of this life and sure of what I want to do in the future, maybe I would return to further whatever studies or education I've missed out on previously. At least I would have a clearer goal in mind - who I want to be, what I want to become, what I'm living for, what I am doing. But the future always seems so daunting, doesn't it? I wished I had this courage to take a leap of faith and trust that in whatever I do, I'd always be safe and contented. Well....tell this to an adult and they would definitely go, "You're too naive!" "You're so silly!" "Life isn't that easy and simple as what you think!" or like "Get your shit together and stop dreaming." Some people just don't understand because they have already resigned to the fate that their lives are supposed to be this or that way, and then they believe that it's the only way to live because everyone's doing it. Man, I absolutely hate it when someone says "it's correct because everyone's doing it". Just like homosexuality or gay love, some people think that it's a sin or crime "because women are supposed to love men" and vice versa, or like "it's wrong because most of the world's population are not homosexual." BUT JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DOING IT OR SAYING THE SAME THING, IT DOESN'T JUSTIFY ANYTHING!

Just because most of us live a so-called "stable" life, doesn't mean that everyone has to stick to the same thing. I wished parents were more open-minded when it comes to such things.


AH well, I think I should stop my rant (or thoughts) here. Sigh, if only life was that simple. One day, I shall live out my dreams. Promise.