Day 254: The last lap #346daysofgratitude


The last lap.

It's less than a month left to finals. I'm more than 70% done with assignments, and more than halfway through this semester. It's here. The last lap.

With the last month totally jam-packed with assignments and pulling all-nighters, I'm relieved that the worst is almost all over.

Truth to be told, I'm a little disgruntled at the fact that I might not be able to get the grades I wanted to achieve for this semester. But I guess I only have myself to blame for my own indolence when it comes to attendance and maybe (sometimes) an apathetic behaviour for that matter. Others can attribute it to just sheer complacency but I know myself: complacency just doesn't fit in with low confidence.

Time and time again I'm reminded that I am supposed to live up with others expectations of me, and also of my own. I have to in order not to disappoint. But with higher expectations comes bigger disappointments - the higher you climb, the harder you will fall - that is, if you fall.

The past month has almost shown no mercy, and sometimes life just hits you in the face like a wrecking ball. There were nights spent staying up thinking about everything that had to do with nothing, or waking up gasping with tears after episodes of bad dreams. I can still recall those words hurled by him, and they are still achingly raw, like an ice cube numbed against a scalded finger. Sometimes all it takes is just a few words to disparage someone and enough to make them tumble. And maybe, it's true that some words are better off left unsaid.

Sometimes those words still approach me like a call that rings in a middle of pin-drop silence, or like wind pelting my shoulders on a dry, still day.

But I'll take all it takes to heal.

Speaking about expectations, I'm not too sure if I've been someone who impresses or disappoints. I can't recall a time in my life I felt genuinely proud of my own achievements, maybe because I always see my achievements as just mediocre, if not subpar. Perhaps all these can be expected in someone who has always doubted her own strengths and abilities. But I really don't wish to be stuck in mediocrity any longer.

And so, I'll take all it takes to be better.

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